Thursday, December 30, 2010

Marriage & Moms In Law








I was married back in 1996. Susan is my second wife. I am her third. When I was given permission to kiss my new bride, My 5 year old son covered his face with his hands and said 'Oh Brother' and the first thing that came out of Susan's mouth was "I give us a year". We all have images of what certain events are supposed to be like. My idea of driving back to the house after getting married did not include Susan's mother sitting in the back seat burning the hair off my neck with her 'death' stare. Now that Susan's mother has passed away I try to tell my pastor that he can relax as the Anti-Christ has come and gone and everything is OK. We survived. One Christmas Susan's mother came to stay with us and never left. You have to be my age to remember the old black and white movies. Life turns into a black and white when you walk into the room where the woman waits. If you remember them, then think of an old Humphrey Bogart film. The room is filled with smoke and you can cut the tension with a knife. As the color begins to fade you sense the air becoming heavy. Somewhere in the room you can hear the Darth Vadar like 'in and out' of the oxygen machine. And there in the corner she sits, eyes on you like two little red lasers dancing across your lungs, sucking all the air and energy right out of you. It was how she survived. I learned from this woman that some people don't follow the rules we've all agreed to follow. When I ask you how you are doing, you tell me that you are fine. Velma's answer is "Not too Good". An hour later you are still there hearing all about it. When I ask you if you need anything, you thank me and say no. 'Have a good time' does not exist. Yea! Some of you are there, aren't you? You know her don't you? On the other hand, sits my life, a true angle. With no help from the rest of her family, Susie spent two years taking care of her mom and never complaining. After we settled into this slow burn we managed to creep along. To help, I would try to arrange for weekend trips. It was always the same. The night before our trip Velma would begin to complain of chest pains. I used to beg her not tell her. Lets just go and leave a note, or don't even leave a note, just leave some food. It is rare that we ever took one of the weekends and if we did we never had a good time and usually ended up coming home early. Having had another weekend ruined, I told Velma that I thought that she should contact the American Journal of Medicine as they would be very interested in her. It was always difficult to have a conversation with Velma. She had arthritis and the crooked finger she used to point at me felt like a deadly weapon. She was hooked up to an oxygen machine which made a sound I can still hear today. She never brushed her hair, wore pajamas all day long and no plumber ever wore pants any lower than her. I could handle all of this but the fact that she never wore her teeth was just too much. I was angry this time and seeing how tired Susan was from the constant care giving I would at least have my say. "What dooo Yaa mean?" she asked. "Well, Velma, you are the only person I know that can in the morning have a massive stroke or heart attack and then by that afternoon be fully recovered. How do you do it Velma? You are a miracle of modern medicine." Before we went past the part where she tells me she hates me, etc. Etc. I left. Have you ever sat at the table on tried to watch someone eat spaghetti without their teeth in. I looked over at 6 year old shaking trying not to laugh out loud with his hand over his head trying to block the view if all these noodles hanging down from Velma's chin, just hanging there, not moving. The sucking sound, the sight, it was a Kodak Moment for sure. What is ironic is that Susan's Mom is the one that got us together. I had been separated for about 6 months and had spent most of those 6 months sitting in my apartment or spending time with my son. One night the phone rang and it was Susan calling to ask if I could come over and look at the furnace. It was Velma's idea to call me. I guess they figured since I was an architect I would know about such things. Nothing could be further from the truth, but at that point I was more than ready to have a conversation with anyone where the words popo, peepee and dodo weren't included. Plus I was attracted to Susan and had never met her mom. Susan thanked me for coming telling me that her and her mom had been huddled around the fire for over an hour. Showing me to the furnace room I wondered what in the world I would do. Susan pointed to a shelf where a bunch of tools were located. Having had a dad who had passed away and two husbands, Susan had a bunch of tools. Unknown to her, she was talking to just about the most unhandy person she would ever meet. This would later become a very big bone of contention between her mom and I. I did what men do. I asked Susan to leave the room and I'd join them in a bit. Basically all I did was look. Finally I found the red reset button, pushed it and on it came. I was rewarded by being given a grilled cheese sandwich, potato chips and a coke. That was our first dinner. For me it was like a feast. Talking to people and having someone put dinner on a TV tray made me feel like a king. Thanking her Susan told me she missed cooking for someone as her mom hardly ate anything. Being so taken by Susan I hardly noticed the lack of color coming from the corner where her mom sat and watched. Loving to cook was the first exaggeration of the truth in my relationship. Well into the relationship and having been married before I sat Susan down and told her that we needed to have a heart to heart. I wanted Susan to know that there were certain things about me that would not change. I knew me well enough to know that there were things about me that had a lot to do with my first divorce. I had given this a great deal of thought and had concluded there were 10 things about me that Susan needed to know. I gave her my list telling her that if she had a problem with any of these things then we should probably call it all off. Some of these were simple things relating to sex, some were more complex if its possible for a man to think anything is more important or complex than sex. Susan looked at me thoughtfully and replied by telling me that she loved everything about me. She had loved me from the very beginning and loved me just the way I was. If you are a man you may not get it. If you are a woman you know exactly what just happened. I had just given my bride to be a list of the 10 things that she was going to change. I laid it all out on a silver platter for her. Men all I can tell you is to protect your list, hold onto it, hide it. Guard it with your life. Over the years I have seen each one of the items removed from my life as I have become the man my wife always knew I could be. The first and a most painful change occurred early on. This was not on the list but it was one of those things that had something to do with me getting to where I was going. One night after another 30 minute massage I told Susan from a dream like state that I felt so guilty for not returning the favor. I told her that every time she gave me a massage I intended to return the favor but she made me feel so good that all I wanted to do was lay back and relax. Susan's reply was every man's dream. "Rick, I love giving you massages, I could do this every night. I don't really like getting massages myself because I'm just that way." UUMMMMM I am in heaven. Several months after we were married I had been missing my massages. Laying down on the bed next to her I asked her for a massage. Her reply was she was too tired and didn't feel like it. "But Susan, your promise, you told me you'd give me a massage everyday. You told me you loved giving them to me and that you didn't need me to return the favor." I used what up until that time I thought was the unbreakable rule of law: "You Promised!" Susan was laying on her back propped up in bed reading a book. She pulled down her reading glasses and peaked over: "I cannot believe that I married someone stupid enough to believe something like that!" Then she returned to her reading. It has always bothered me that people tell you to look at your mother in law and that is your wife in 20 years. After giving up 10 very special things that made me what I was and having to find massages in those chairs in the malls over the holidays, I have learned a lot. If you are thinking of getting married shoot me an email. I can help. God knows we need the help. I asked Susie about my top ten list. I asked her if she intentionally used that list as a kind of work sheet. She replied by asking me if I remember asking her about the massages.

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